State of Denial

Talk to any five people in the world and you will get five different opinions on the best ways to maintain a relationship. What each of these people tell you will be a product of their experience, personal desires, and philosophies. None are wrong. But neither are any correct. Every opinion is a representation of how things ‘should’ be, and yet every pairing is filled with its own dynamics that make the working equation different from all others.

I’ve heard recently, and also in the past, from spouses that would “never deny” their partner intimacy, mostly for the fear that they’d find it someplace else. This always sounded like an ideal to me, but I’ve recently started to believe this to be a manifestation of insecurity. It’s a pessimistic view on a relationship to say that denying your spouse the comforts of your body will soon lead them to seek it elsewhere. My experience with Henry has shown me that this can be a much longer process than I once believed.

He’s been facing an intimacy drought that is now stretching into calendar years instead of just months or weeks. Most people who take care of their partners needs whenever called upon could not fathom a break in action that is this long. Frankly, neither can I. But the truth of the matter is that this is so common that marriage counselors have a name for it. ‘Sexless marriages’ are ones in which intimacy occurs less that twice in a twelve month period.

These circumstances are proof that a relationship can, and often does, endure long beyond the cessation of intimacy. Those relationships are also occupied by at least one optimist. The optimistic spouse can endure those long droughts because they don’t seem to feel that intimacy is the tie that binds. It’s just an extension of the relationship’s primary foundation. But again, this definition will be different for every person you ask.

What I do believe is that the person in the relationship that is denied more often than they deny is frequently disappointed and fearful of some other shortcoming. What is it that makes them undesirable at that moment? Why is their spouse’s love not strong enough to make them want to express it physically?

I’ve heard often, and it’s even joked about in cinema and television, that one’s spouse (often the man) only thinks about sex, and as result they just never get any peace. Every time they’re alone, it’s all (he) wants. I’m personally of the belief that one should be grateful that one’s spouse wants it whenever they have the chance. It means that their spouse finds them attractive, and wants to express how they feel about the relationship. Frequent sex can be a great indicator of a fundamentally healthy relationship.

After being turned away frequently, it’s not unreasonable to expect someone to take matters into their own hands. But what happens frequently enough is that matters go from their own hands to someone else’s. Intimacy is an important manifestation of good relationships, to whatever degree and frequency is agreed upon. But when there is a lack of consensus, the one who is turned away can begin to fester in their doubts. Self doubt in particular often finds comfort in the ear of another. Comfort in the ear of another, who was often just the one willing to let someone vent their frustrations, can easily lead to more illicit encounters.

If there’s a disagreement on how often sex should or does occur in the relationship, it’s a conversation that best dealt with quickly. Being faithful to a spouse should not include a clause demanding that one also endure loneliness, doubt, and disappointment. It may not take a week, a month, or even a year for things to erode. But one day…

Henry has dealt with this for nearly two full years, with a steady escalation in recent months. He needs to feel relevant, attractive, and loved. His wife’s long list of justifications for their lack of intimacy cannot do anything to assuage his feelings of emptiness. To accept that your spouse will deny you repeatedly is to deny yourself.

If it is their right to say that you must wait, it is your right to say how long you will wait.