I grew up in a religious family. It was a particular sect of Christianity that is historically part of the Protestant Reformation, yet shares no secular ties with any common faiths. What I learned from my youth onward is that the protection of an ideal, or faith, can sometimes come at the expense of truth. Ideals are a fantastic thing to have since it gives you a goal towards which to work. But if one must decline understanding to uphold the ideal, it's of little value.
I talked with 'Henry' again today about how things are going with his wife and his understanding is beginning to change. Henry decided to check his phone records yesterday, and for any of you who have ever needed to do that, you already know what I'm going to tell you. Henry has discovered that his wife has been texting on a near constant basis (at least while Henry is at work) with a male friend from her high-school days.
Though she asserts that her friend is married, this is merely a rationalization, because so is she. Experience shows one thing above all else: If you are in a troubled relationship and your choice of confidante is a person that is the same gender as your significant other, you have not chosen a kind ear, but a person who gives you what your partner could not. That person becomes a surrogate for all the feelings that have gone unfulfilled, and if you are on the fence about what you wish for the future of your relationship, your friend in need can easily become a friend with benefits. A person in her position is unlikely to resist when the conversation inevitably turns flirtatious. And in the new found intimacy of her friendship, that temptation is easily found.
That friend will do nothing to help the relationship. Matters only become more complicated, and the chance of recovery which was tenuous at best, suddenly becomes all but impossible. Please don't confuse this to mean that your friend will not make you feel better. Almost assuredly they will. However, it's important to understand the anyone in the midst of repairing a relationship will take the presence of that third person as a sign that you've moved on, and in the vacuum of their own hurt, they will seek to retaliate. The void will continue to grow unless someone consciously decides to stop it.
Consider the triage of a relationship much like one would treat a trauma victim. The first step is to control the bleeding and then do a damage assessment. Outside contributors, excepting impartial advice from a trained professional, is of little value other than to help you validate your feelings of betrayal. Every time you accept affirmation that your feelings are justified, you take one step further away from repairing the relationship.
Henry is now facing the reality that not only is his wife not talking with him, she's sharing her feelings with someone else. He has gone from a bitter smile to an angered scowl. I see the resignation and he's now weighing the costs of leaving. In his mind, he's preparing for a life apart, wondering how long it will take him to find someone and if she'll make him as happy as his wife used to. He doesn't want another woman, but he will find one to forget about how hurt he is right now. For as long as his wife seeks comfort elsewhere, things will not improve between them.
And that is the truth about troubled relationships: Dealing with it is not comfortable. If one is seeking comfort, they are hiding from the reality. Facing the problem head on, however painful it may be, is the path of progress. As John Kennedy said to the nation, "We will go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard." Moving on to another endeavor takes no effort. But anything worth doing will involve tears, sleepless nights, and a lot of humility.
For Henry's part, I hope his wife chooses to talk with him about the things that matter, instead of her friend. Keeping her friend around will allow things to evolve into something that cannot be undone. Henry may or may not have the strength to absorb that and still move forward with their relationship. Even if he does, it will rest there in the back of his mind, quietly waiting to squeeze his heart with icy fingers every time he sees something that reminds him of the relationship his wife had with her friend. He will never again be sure of himself, or her. He will bear a stain of anger and hurt for as long as he draws breath.
Some things just never go away.
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