Needs and Wants

I've been talking with this guy at work whom I respect. He smart, diligent, and charming in the way that makes even anxious people feel comfortable. I see him out there every day, hard at work, and taking a moment to joke with his fellow metal workers from time to time. While I wouldn't call him soft-spoken, he's not the boisterous type, nor is he a person whose temper would make you think twice about a joke at his expense. He's humble, but a team player, a guy that you could see playing football without ever being a media sweetheart. We'll call him 'Henry' for the sake of dignity.

I've noticed over the past several months a change in Henry's demeanor. It's subtle, but if you've been through the kind of thing he has, it may as well be a big flashing light above his head. I first became aware of it a few weeks ago, and once I realized what I was seeing, I could trace it back to when his problems first started. I knew how long he'd been dealing with his problem, even if I didn't know it.

You see, most people can joke with friends and after a good laugh, walk away with a smile on their face. It takes a little time for that rush of glee to fade, and for most people, that smile can last well into the undertaking of the next task. But with Henry, it's like someone turns off a switch. There's a quiet heartbreak in his eyes now that reminds me of dementia. For a split second after you approach him, he continues to look past you. But then he recognizes you as a friend and his aura changes to the Henry I first knew. He's a man with two faces these days. There's the face that's distracted from his problems, and there's the face that can't hide the very deep hurt.

Concerned for him, I asked about, and got a very frank synopsis of, what's eating him. In the time it took him to tell me what was wrong, the irony stained surrender in his eyes never changed. He smiled in the way one does when they know they're getting screwed over. The way one does after investing everything and being told it's not enough. The way one does when the person they love just can't trust them enough to return the warmth. It was a bitter smile, through and through.

The details are not necessary to this discussion, but Henry is suffering in the way many of us have. He is in a troubled relationship, and as much as he wants to save it, he needs to stop hurting. Turning that look inward, I admit that what I need and what I want are very different things. I want passion and kink. I need stability and structure.

But are wants any less important that your needs? Needs are finite and immediate. I need water and have a limited time frame in which to fulfill that need before I'm in actual trouble. Same for food, air, shelter, and income. But the wants we have define us as people. Do you want to reduce your carbon footprint? Do you want to exercise your 2nd Amendment rights? Do you want to paint a portrait?

Needs and wants separate life from living. For every want we suppress because it's not compatible with our significant other, we lock away a piece of ourselves and make the face we show them a little bit more of a lie. And every one of your partner's wants you rebuff is another brick in the wall of you're-not-good-enough. For Henry's part, he stuck on the outside of a huge brick wall, and not a single stone has his name on it. And when someone you love becomes so occupied with themselves that there's no time left for you, then it becomes clear that they no longer need you.

It's Henry's intent to get his needs met somewhere else, which I don't endorse, but I do understand. In this case, he needs to feel attractive, wanted, and relevant. I'm not sure how long he could go without those things. Only he can. After listening to his story, I believe he's made every reasonable effort. He's even made some unreasonable efforts. I was once thanked for 'meeting on the bridge', for those of you who've seen the Sex in the City movie. Well, Henry showed up on that bridge and no one was there. I don't know how long he's going to hang out, but knowing the kind of guy he is, it won't take him long to find someone who's willing to give as much as he does.

He's a good man, so far as I know. If his version of events is to be believed, then he's probably justified in moving on. Before you call him selfish, know that a selfish person would never endure the heartache that I hear in his words. He's already given away all of himself, and it was spitefully declined.

He may want her, but he doesn't need this.